Starting Over

There is no way to beat around the bush. I’ve lost my way. The man who was a strict clean eater, habitual runner, and weight lifter seems like a completely different person to who I see in the mirror. I have been searching for this person for two years but have only found defeat and failure. Perhaps a more gradual approach is required.

I don’t mean to imply that my life has gone downhill in the past two years. The opposite is true. My life became too good. Too comfortable. I met an amazing girl, got married, bought a house, got a dog, and am valued at my job. On paper I’m living the dream. I am not ungrateful or blind to the fortune in my life. I regularly remind myself how lucky I am for the opportunities presented to me. Despite all of this, something is missing. It’s not something my wife can provide, or even my job. It’s something I used to feel about myself that I have not felt in a long time. I’m speaking of pride. I used to feel proud of myself. I used to feel proud of myself whenever I hit a PR at the gym, or on a run. I used to feel  proud of myself whenever I would successfully fast for a day. Something I would do once or twice a month just to prove I could. I used to seek difficult challenges for the sake of overcoming them and feeling this sense of pride. I remember feeling it almost daily.

For two years now, that feeling has only existed in my memory. I have allowed myself to blow up to a ridiculous weight. My running, an activity I loved more than breathing, is so difficult to do now that it has become scarce. My drive, my passion, my ambition, and my discipline are harder and harder to hold on to. And the only one to blame is myself. Believe me, I have tried to find an excuse to rid me of the blame. I wish I could think of something to point my finger at and say, “that is the reason for my physical decline.” No matter where I point, my finger is always pointed in my direction by the end. When the decline of my discipline first began, I was able to say the closing down of our country because of the pandemic was to blame. Gyms and parks were closed so exercising was less convenient. It has been two years, though. Parks and gyms are open. They have been for quite some time.

I am writing this for a few reasons. For starters, I have not made a post in a year and figured this was as good of a place to start as any. The most important reason, though, is because I will get back to my old self. I don’t mean physically, although that too. I mean I will build the discipline in my mind like I used to have. I will feel that feeling of pride I once felt, and I want this to be available for anyone who feels they have left their glory in the past. It happens to all of us. The only thing to be ashamed of is if you choose to stay there. I will be making entries tracking my eating and exercise habits for anyone who cares to read about it. My book reviews will be back as well along with other content. This is only the beginning of a life long journey. One with highs and lows. I hope you follow along.